Eighty-Nine
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Dianna
I cursed, throwing my hands up again. I had walked this damn sidewalk,
ran, sprinted, trying to get out of my own fucking head. Samkiel was
back on the remains of Rashearim, possibly dying, and here I was, stuck in my own head. I screamed, and not a light in any house flickered.
Sighing, I turned back to the one place that kept pulling at me. The wooden door to the first home Gabby and I lived in slowly swung open.
The creak of the hinges echoed, and I squared my shoulders.
“Fine. You want me to go into the stupid house? Then I’ll go into the stupid house.”
The wind blew the overgrown shrubs along the stone path Gabby and I had built brick by brick. The neighborhood was quiet, too quiet. I put my hands on my hips and stared at the house for a moment before starting up the path. The wooden boards of the porch groaned. I made it over the threshold and stepped inside, a chill running down my spine. The home was just how I had left it, how we had left it. A layer of dust coated the furniture, doors hung off their hinges in the abandoned kitchen, and the broken banister hung crooked along the stairs.
I took a step further inside, and the door closed behind me.
“I’m here. Now what? Are you going to take up more of my time, or can I leave and get back to my body now?”
My voice echoed in the room, but I received no response, not that I really expected one. Why was I stuck here? Was I dying?
I shook the thought from my head, focusing on our initials carved into the far wall. I walked across the room, reaching toward them but stopping
an inch away. My fingers curled into a fist, and I dropped my hand. What did they even mean now? Everything had been a lie.
“You know, when we were little, you always talked about locking away the things you didn’t want to think about. I just didn’t think you meant an actual house with doors,” Gabby said.
My heart skipped a beat at that voice, my breath hitching. No, it couldn’t be. I turned, half expecting a ghost, a shimmering form, but I never thought to find her whole, unbroken, and in front of me.
She pulled at the ends of the off-white flowy dress as she swayed. “We don’t really have a form where I am now, but I remember we wore matching dresses when we went to—”
Her words ended on a grunt as I grabbed her, my arms wrapping around her so tight not even I could breathe. My head rested on her shoulder, parts of her hair tickling my nose, and her smell, gods, that smell. I had forgotten the way she smelled. The last scent I had of her was cold and empty, with death already gripping her. Her arms wrapped around me, and I squeezed tighter.
“How?” The word left my mouth on a broken sob.
“We don’t have that much time.”
The house creaked once more, followed by breaking wood. I pulled back, both of us looking up. A crack started in the corner and slithered across the ceiling. I glanced around, noticing how many fractures had formed since the last time I’d been here. Spiderweb-like cracks ran down
the walls and onto the floor.
“What’s happening?”
“You’ve suppressed too long, D.”
“What?”
A thump sounded from the hall. Gabby let me go and walked away, disappearing around the corner. The sound came again, and I chased after
her.
Thump
Thump
Thump
I skidded to a stop, dim light spilling from beneath the door at the end of the hall. Chains crossed it, heavy padlocks hanging from them.
Gabby stood in front of the door, staring at it. “They said they had never heard of any being suppressing their powers before, but I told them they’d
never met anyone as stubborn as you.”
“What? Who said?”
The thump sounded again, and the door bulged outward, light glowing around the edges. More cracks formed as the door bent once more. It looked as if it was breathing.
“You locked it up in there. That part of you.”
“I had to,” I said, stepping back and looking at the ground. “I failed.”
Gabby put her hands on her hips as she turned to face me. “You’re being stupid and acting weak. That is not my sister.” She reached out and grabbed one of the locks.
I ran down the hall, clasping my hand over hers. “What are you doing?”
“Opening this damned door. We don’t have much time.”
“Gabby. Stop.”
Her head whipped to me with a look of pure determination. “No, you stop. There is no house with a locked door.”
“Gabby, can’t I just have a moment to be happy you’re here?”
“No, I need you to open the door, Dianna.” Her hands yanked on a lock
so heavy it barely budged.
“Gabby.”
Wind howled in the house, more cracks forming. I felt that harrowing darkness lurking like a predator on the edge of a dark forest, waiting for its moment to pounce and devour me whole.
“I need you to admit that you shoved your powers so deep because you think you failed me, they failed me, and so you turned your back on them.”
I said nothing, tears swimming in my eyes.
“You know I’m not wrong. I know you. You’re the same woman who hit a boy twice her size when we were little because he stepped on my foot, the same one who stole an orange when mom said no because I cried I couldn’t have it. You are the same one who tied my sandals when I didn’t know how and the same one who gave me her shirt when mine ripped and took the blame so Mom wouldn’t be mad. This is you, every good and bad part is you, and I’m tired of you pretending to be something you are not.
Regardless of how you feel, I love you for it, every single part, and so does he.”
A crack on the house spread above us, and she glanced up.
“That’s what scares you? You think no one could love you?”
The house shook, the floor buckling beneath our feet. A low-pitched growl made the hair on my arms stand up.
“No one should,” I said.
“Dianna.” Gabby dropped the lock, turning to me.
“Tell me I’m wrong.” My voice cracked. “You’ve seen everything I’ve done. You think I deserve love? I’m not good like you and him. I never have been.”
“You’re wrong, D.” Her gaze softened. “So so wrong.”
“You think I am?” I scoffed, the final part of me splitting wide open.
“Okay. I’ll show you just how wrong you are.”
I ripped at the locks, chains, and bolts. Gabby stepped back as I tossed and threw the mass of metal to the side, leaving the cracked door bare. “Just
know I’m sorry.”
She looked at me. “For what?”
“For what you’re about to learn.”
The door swung open. White stone shot through with gold swept forward, replacing the wooden floorboards of our home. A labyrinth of books and shelves hung on the walls, a staircase spiraling toward the upper levels. A large, oval table covered in scrolls and ancient texts sat in the middle. Gabby’s eyes went wide, and she turned toward me. “What is this?”
Voices rose inside the room, and Gabby whipped her head around to see
what was here and what I had hidden.
“It’s when it happened.”
“When what happened?”
I nodded toward the balcony area where Samkiel and I stood. “I lied to Logan in the tunnel. In Yejedin. I did think about a future.”
My heart raged, and my eyes stung, but I clenched my fists, holding back the tears. I saw my Ig’Morruthen form step from the shadows. She walked on all fours, padding on silent paws, her body sleek and lithe. Her eyes burned ember red, and her coat was the color of night, with deep shadows of violet rosettes. She circled Gabby and me, coming to rest at my heels, her long tail swishing behind us.
We watched as Samkiel took a breath, then another, my hands steady on his forearms. I hadn’t noticed it then, but I saw it now. Samkiel looked at me as I spoke with so much admiration my heart clenched all over again.
“He had just recovered from his near earth-shattering panic attack after we’d gotten back from talking with Roccurem. He had almost lost himself
again. I calmed and comforted him like I did you during bad storms, and it worked. He was so scared, Gabby. So alone. This myth, this legend throughout the cosmos, was scared. He had the entire world on his shoulders, and all he wanted to do was help others. Samkiel doesn’t care about himself. He never did. He was prepared to train armies and do anything to keep everyone safe, and there he was, breaking. I knew it then.”
Gabby looked at me as I continued to watch. “Knew what?”
Fear squirmed through me, but I said it. “That I love him.”
Gabby’s eyes softened. “Dianna, why is that a bad memory? Why lock it away?”
I stared at the memory of Samkiel and me. A part of my heart shattered again as I looked at Gabby.
“Because something else happened, too. I knew I would do anything to make sure he never looked like that again. I never again wanted to see that
kind of fear in his eyes. Never alone.”
Gabby’s eyes softened. “Dianna.”
“It was just for a second that the thought crossed my mind. Only a second, but it made me the worst person in the entire world.”
“Dianna, love isn’t—”
I cut her off as the other me looked at her, too. “If Kaden had you and Samkiel? If he forced me to choose?” I took a shuddering breath. “I’d
hesitate, and I did.”
“What?”
Logan burst through the door, the memory of Samkiel and me fading.
This time, the room spun, taking us to the memory I had fought to bury deeper than most of the others. Silver City, a city of skyscrapers and lights, sparkled outside the large window. I kneeled on the floor, immersed in what was happening on the screen. Kaden spoke, Gabby in his hands.
Gabby shifted uncomfortably. “Why this?”
“I stayed when he had you. I stayed with Samkiel in that damn city even after I saw this. There was more I could have done. I could have been scouring the city, could have hunted until my feet bled, but I chose to stay.
And then, I chose against my need for vengeance in Yejedin, placing Logan and Neverra’s safety over going after Kaden.”
I lowered my head and turned slowly toward her. The beast at my feet dissipated into smoke and crawled up my body, soaking into my soul.
Gabby swallowed and took a step back. I knew my powers had come back,
felt them fill me along with the pain of finally speaking about this. “Don’t you see? I let you die because I am selfish and cruel. Because I just wanted it to be over. For a split second, I wanted it to be over. You’d be dead, and Kaden would have no more power over me. I was just so tired of being used.” My face crumpled, tears blurring my vision. I had betrayed my sister, my heart, the one person I had loved the most.
“I’m so tired, Gabby. I was so tired of fighting and afraid of him using you against me. And for a second, I thought I could have Samkiel. I could have a life, and that was the evilest thought that had ever crossed my mind.
It was only for a second, but I was happy. Then the guilt and the worry about you came rushing back and ate me alive. I have killed, maimed, and done things that would make people wish for death, but that thought, that single thought, was the worst in my entire existence. Maybe I could have saved you. I could have kept searching after Novas. Instead, I listened to him, stayed with him, went back to Silver City, and I killed you then. Not Kaden. Me. And I’ll never forgive myself.”
I expected her to scream at me and leave. To tell me I was the scum of the world and deserved every horrible, terrible thing that happened to me.
That I deserved to rot forever, to die utterly alone and miserable. But she didn’t.
Gabby watched me sitting in front of the screen and shook her head.
“That’s all?”
I gaped at her in shock. “What do you mean, is that all?”
She turned back to me, her face suffused with disbelief. “That’s it?”
I just stared at her.
She tossed her hands up, groaning in annoyance. “Oh my gods, Dianna, talk about survivor’s guilt. So what?”
“So what?” I didn’t have words. I opened and closed my mouth, trying and failing to make sense of her. “Gabby, I just told you something that has been eating me from the inside out, and you mock me? I—”
“You didn’t kill me.”
“But—”
She stepped closer, the room dissipating and reforming, taking us back to our old house. “You spent a thousand years taking care of me, looking out for me, and never yourself. Do you know what it means that you thought about yourself for one second? It means that some part of you is
normal. That’s it. You were happy, and that’s okay. You wanted a life?
Great. About damn time.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“No. How much stress do you think one person can take, Otherworld or not, before they just want a break? You didn’t let me die, and you didn’t kill me. Dianna, you would never harm me. Kaden did. You are not responsible for what Kaden did, and you had every right to be with Samkiel. To be happy. That is all I have ever wanted for you.”
I dropped my gaze, a part of me unable to believe her.
“Hey, look at me,” Gabby demanded, waiting for me to meet her gaze.
“You protected me. You always have. This? What you’re feeling. That is just grief. You love me, and you miss me, and you blame yourself. Okay, it’s normal, it’s real, it happens, but you gave me the best life, Dianna. The best one. A longer one than I would have ever had. It’s okay to want a life too. It’s okay that you love him. Just because this bad thing happened doesn’t mean you are responsible.”
My jaw clenched, struggling not to break, my emotions a roiling mass threatening to overwhelm me. Gabby reached out and took my hand, the familiar feeling helping to ground me.
“Kaden would have taken me, eventually. Someway, somehow, that was inevitable. You couldn’t keep me safe forever, nor would I have let you. I lived, Dianna. For a thousand years, I lived, and you didn’t. You have been a shell of what he wanted for so damn long, his fucking puppet. Then Samkiel comes along, and you laugh, smile, and feel. I couldn’t have been happier. What kind of sister would I be if I didn’t want you to be happy, too? You didn’t kill me, D. You saved me. Only you let yourself die in the process. It’s about time you live.”
The dam broke, and I could no longer hold back the tears. They scalded my cheeks, but the relief was overwhelming. The weight I had been carrying lifted from my shoulders, and I crumpled beneath the lightness.
Gabby caught me, her warm solid arms holding me as my body shuddered with choked sobs. I buried my face against her shoulder, so thankful she was here and not just another figment of my imagination, and wept. My body caved in on itself, and I wept until I had no more to give.
“I miss you so much. So much.”
Her hands stroked over my hair. “I know. I miss you too.”
“I don’t know how to forgive myself. Even if it was only a second.”
“Then don’t.”
I pulled back, wiping at my eyes.
She shrugged. “Hey, we’re all flawed in one way or the other. Be selfish, then. Love fearlessly and blindly, but love nonetheless. I would want nothing else for you. I think you are perfect the way you are. Flaws and all. So does he. There is nothing I would change… Well, maybe that trip to Nappale, but that’s it.”
I stifled a laugh as I sniffled. “I’m a terrible person.”
“No.” Her voice cracked as she smiled at me. “You’re just a girl who gave up everything she had for the ones she loved. You deserve to be loved in return.”
The house trembled violently, rocking us to the side and nearly toppling us to the floor. Pictures fell from the walls, the wind howling so loud I covered my ears. Whispers and roars rode on the air, sounding like Iassulyn had opened above us.
Gabby’s eyes turned a bright gold as she jumped to her feet. “The realms are opening.”
The words crashed into me. “Samkiel. Is he—”
She shook her head. “Not yet, but close.”
“I have to go,” I said, getting to my feet and sprinting toward the door.
Gabby ran after me, reaching out and grabbing my arm, and spinning me back toward her. I didn’t realize how fast I had moved, so fast that I’d almost made it to the front door. “Wait. D, the realms aren’t just open.
Someone came back. Someone old, angry, and violent.”
“Who?”
She gulped. “Nismera.”
I moved past Gabby, even more desperate to get to him, but she stepped
in front of me this time, stopping me.
“Dianna.”
“Gabby, I love you very, very much, but if you don’t let me go—”
“No, listen. You can’t fight her. Not alone. She is too strong. Even Kaden fears her. Unir was the only one that could even wound her, and he’s dead. Do you understand? She is a goddess of war and destruction. One of the first.”
“Okay, well, I have to try. I can’t let her get near him. She will kill him.”
“I know, but you can’t fight her. Not yet. You have to go to Samkiel. Get to him first, no matter what. Revenge can come later.”
“How do you know so much?”
“I’ve had help. I met Samkiel’s dad and mom. They’re pretty cool,
actually.”
“You met Unir?” I gaped at her.
She nodded. “I don’t think I am allowed in the Valley of the Kings, but he took me after… He needed my help since I was the only one besides Samkiel that could reach you.”
Gabby’s body stiffened, and her gaze snapped up. I recognized the slight look of defiant anger that flashed in her eyes. If I had to guess, I would say some power had just reprimanded and forbidden her from saying more. When they met mine again, her eyes were glowing a bright yellow. “I shouldn’t have told you that. That’s not the point. Do you understand, though? Fight Nismera later, save Samkiel first. I need you to be powerful and vicious because they will be.”
I nodded, trying to absorb everything she’d just told me. “You know me, Gabs. I’ll rip them to pieces. Nobody touches someone I love.”
“That’s my sister.” She leaned back, smiling as she held my hands in hers. A golden glow formed around her, and I knew my time with her was
up.
“Will I ever see you again?”
“I never left you.” A small smile played on her lips. “I am always with you, and I always will be. You’re my sister. Our bond is stronger than blood or any stupid paper that says otherwise. Remember, I love you.” Her hand slipped from mine as she stepped back. “And hey, if you are going to be a monster, at least be a damn good one.”
She dissolved into luminescent light and shot from the room.
I dropped my hands to my sides as my entire world shifted and shook. I thought my light in this life was gone, but I realized I had just been too blind to see I had another. He believed in me, cared for me, and never gave up on me. Now Kaden has threatened to take from me, and one that needed me right now.
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