chapter 31
critical family members
even as we become comfortable giving ourselves kindness and compassion in the midst of struggle, we often still have to contend with friends or family members who are at different parts of the journey of moral neutrality. How do we respond when someone criticizes the state of our home or tries to “help” us by giving advice that doesn’t really fit?
My favorite phrase for well-meaning family is, “I know you want to see me in a functioning environment and I want you to know that I want that for myself also. I am on my own journey to find what works for me and what I need most from you is nonjudgmental support.
One thing that could really help me right now is ________.”
And then give them a tangible task they can do! “Take these bags of clothes to the donation bin,” “sit with me while I clean my room,”
“help me call a cleaning service or make a doctor’s appointment.”
Sometimes all our loved ones need is to be redirected to a way they can actually help. If after you give them ways to help they decline, it’s okay to say, “Then the most helpful thing you can do for me is not make comments about my space.”
If you have a particularly rude or pushy person in your life, you can use my favorite boundary phrase, which is “thank you for your concern, but I am not taking any feedback on this issue right now.”
Or my personal favorite: “The key for me being able to begin to run a functioning home was when I stopped talking to myself the way you are talking to me right now.”
Shortcut: skip to chapter 33.
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